I am writing this to sharpen my observation, to pass the time. It’s frivolous. But when I look past my locked door, it really looks like a culling. The Earth, culling its tormentors, starting as usual with the old and sick. Then various governments, culling their inconvenient poor. Refugee crises, starvation. How many people are dying, and how long can they bear it? Then war? It looks like William Gibson’s Jackpot is coming sooner than we are pleased to believe.
I woke up at 5:30 with tears sliding down my face, no energy behind them, just self-pity I suppose, something about R, my husband. I managed to go back to sleep and woke up again at 6:30. I was still feeling gloomy, and I thought, okay, today I won’t get up early, as if I were expressing some defiance against someone who would care.
I got up and went to the roof. I looked down at the road and saw that a few walkers had ventured out, widely spaced and hurting no one, already tired of huddling inside. My roof- neighbor also emerged, with his phone, but soon put it away and began jogging. The crow-drum had gone, but there was a long white dribble of its contents, which the crows had not been able to scrape up with their cruel beaks.
I was listening to Sufi music. My favorite song, by Kabir: Naiharwa, sung by Kailash kher, was playing. ‘Sai’, the beloved, is god, or the Guru, or Ram; someone divine.
Whenever I hear this song I see in my mind, for no good reason except the cold ‘ping’ that opens it, an image of a snow-globe, with delicate snow falling.
I went inside and made child’s food, snow-globe food: a mug of hot chocolate. And in the afternoon, for lunch, I used up the stale sourdough bread from Pumpkin Tales, and the last of the maple syrup, by making French toast. In short, I ate my way out of self-pity.
When my maid went home before the lockdown, this was one of the things she left behind. It looks like things a bird would collect. Just in case – what?
Naiharwa lyrics
Naiharwa humkaa ne bhave
Humkaaaaaa ne bhave
Naiharwa aaaaaaaa
Naiharwa naiharwa aaaa
Naiharwa humkaa ne bhave
Humkaaaaaa ne bhave
Naiharwa aaaaaaaa
Naiharwa naiharwa aaaa
Sai ki nagariiiiii
Sai ki nagare param athi sundara
Athi sundara
Jaha koi aawe na jaawie
Heyyyehiyey
Jaha koi aawe na jaawie
Chand suraj jaha
Chand suraj jaha
Pavan na paani
Pavan na paani
Ko sandesh pahuchawie
Heyyyehiyey
Ko sandesh pahuchawie
Dard yeha
Dard yeha
Dard yeha
Sai kooo sunave
Naiharwa aaaaaaaa
Naiharwa naiharwa aaa
Bin satha guru apno nahi koi
Apno nahi koi
Ko yeh raah batawie
Heyyyehiyey
Ko yeh raah batawie
Kahat kabir
Suno bhaii sadho
Suno bhaii sadho
Sapne me pritam aawaai
Heyyyehiyey
Sapne me pritam aawaai
Sapana yaha diya hi bhujava
Naiharwa aaaaaaaa
Naiharwa naiharwa aaa
——-
Naiharwa translation (from boloji.com)
I Don’t Find any Interest in My Parent’s House
My Beloved’s Town is Most Beautiful
However, Nobody Goes or Comes from There
There is no Moon, Sun, Wind or Water There
Then Who Will Take My Message There?
Then Who Will Tell My Pain to My Beloved?
There is No Visible Path to Move Forward
And You Blame the Past for It
How Should the Bride go to the House of the Beloved?
Powerful Pangs of Separation are Burning from Inside
Dual Reality is Fashioning a Dance to Its Tune
There is None Other Than the Guru Who is Mine Who Can Tell the Way
Says Kabir Listen oh Aspirant
Your Beloved Will Come in a Dream-like State
That Alone Will Quench the Thirst of your Heart
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